Going to the valley was my first mistake, but I digress.

Firstly, the name of the event is misleading. One would expect from the name “Porn Star Karaoke”, that there would be actual porn stars there as the name suggests. I didn’t find this to be true. While I admit I’m not up to date with the current lineup of industry professionals in the “biz”, it was pretty apparent the patrons of the bar were not porn stars. From what I observed, the few women sporting flashy dresses, bleach blond hair and excessive cleavage were most likely straight off the Greyhound with a one way ticket from Iowa and they probably haven’t even been fucked in front of a production crew yet. I imagine that for them, attending this event was viewed as a networking opportunity; a chance to show leading professionals that they have what it takes to work in such a competitive industry.

Second, the men who attended the event were a mixed bag. While I was delightfully surprised to see a friend there, I was equally disgusted by the old fat guys wearing Ferrari jackets complete with bimbo barbie babes as their flashy accessory. Surely, this must be the pinacle of achieving a high social status! As for everyone else, it seemed that they were just stuck in the valley, and didn’t have much else to do. At least the drinks were not excessively expensive, and the bouncers did their job. I know this because tested the performance of the security staff. I started off by purchasing a small bottle of champagne for my friend Tricia, drank half of it out of the bottle in the most classy way possible, then stuffed it in my pants while proceeding to exit the establishment. While using the automated teller machine adjacent to the bar, a member of the security staff removed the bottle from my pants. Good job boys!

Lastly, I found the songs that were selected by the performers were dubious. Obviously music taste is extremely subjective, but for me the masterpieces from highly regarded international artists such as Papa Roach, System of a Down, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, and Limp Bizket were not inspiring enough to get my intoxicated self onto the stage to pour my lonely little heart out. I must admit that one performer really nailed the song “Blind” by the American rock group, Korn. I was impressed by the audio quality of the venues sound system. The ambient noise levels exceeded 100db but yet the bass was tight and solid and the treble was sparkly and clean.

All this being said, I had a great time and I would recommend attending the event. I wanted to stab myself in the neck mainly because I was in Spermbank. You won’t be disappointed.